evening pages: an experiment

Evening Sky” by Mary/ CC0 1.0

Signing in quickly, even if just to blow off the dust and get reacquainted with things around here.

Anyway…

I’ve been doing a practice called “Morning Pages” more on than off for the last two or three years. Morning pages? What are morning pages, you ask? It’s three pages of longhand ramble, written as closely to the first thing in the morning as possible. For me, “first thing in the morning” means after coffee, before grading. It’s meant to be pen-and-paper, but I’ve been using my ReMarkable (my e-ink tablet that I’ll probably write more about in days to come because it’s been a game-changer for me) a lot of mornings. What I use depends on my mood. All you really need is a pen and paper, though. No matter what the medium, it’s handwritten, not typed. Pacing is important, and the experience of handwriting is completely different than composing at the computer keyboard. I’m convinced that I think differently when I write by hand.

It’s not quite formal journaling. Some mornings produce more “useful” writing than others. Some are pure whiney ramble, some are a chronicle of circling thoughts, some are actually working through a problem. I just show up to the page, and I never know quite what I’m going to get. It’s not usually as good as a box of chocolates, but it keeps me writing and it gets me off zero, which for the last two-year patch of being creatively stuck, is saying something. Julia Cameron is the person who came up with and popularized (formalized) the idea. She’s a little further left on the Oprah to Spock continuum than I generally prefer, but she’s given the world a lot of good advice when it comes to how to get unstuck. Here’s her introduction to the idea.

So with that lengthy explanation, I had a thought last night that maybe I’ll try something new, either in addition to (or instead of some days) my Morning Pages practice. Evening pages, I’m calling it, because I’m original like that. I’m sitting down at the end side of the day to trace back and make a record of the best moments of the day. Just a paragraph. A few sentences. A snapshot. A sort of a twist on a gratitude journal, I suppose (see, not original…). After noticing last summer’s days running together into a blur, I want to prevent that from happening to another season of my life.

So, evening pages. We’ll see if it sticks. I’ve found the secret to journaling regularly is to distinguish “regularly” from “religiously.” I skip a day or two, but I always come back to it. No guilt, just moving on –a practice I learned when my high school diary had no pre-printed dates. I could skip a day or two and not have to leave a blank page, and that was a huge relief.

Oh, and I’ve said my final goodbye (no, really, this is it, I mean it this time) to my account at The Social Media Outlet Formerly Known as Twitter. Finally got sick of being a pawn for some rich dude’s social experiment (can we all just admit that it’s painfully obvious that he’s doing everything he can to end it?). The time spent scrolling and spinning wheels and wasting words wasn’t worth it any more. So, save for my seldom-used Instagram account, I’m social-media free, and that might have something to do with my productivity this morning, despite my not being in the mood to grade. And it might have something to do with my return here. Again, I’m hoping the habit sticks.

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I Should Really Be Reading…

So I’ve realized that my on-again, off-again Twitter account has encouraged a burgeoning possibly bad habit: piling up books in my TBR (To Be Read) pile while also consuming far too much of my free time.

And because it’s Thursday, and I need to start making this blog a habit, I thought I’d mention how crazy it is that collectively, so many of us (myself included, despite my attempts to fight it) have traded our long-form reading habits for hours of internet scrolling and “microblogging” on Facebook and Twitter.

I think there’s something to be said for recovering whole-book reading. There’s a sense of context you get from a whole book that’s missing from short articles, blog posts, and social media. Maybe that lack of context is helping fuel our increasingly-divisive, increasingly-polarized society. Maybe. I don’t know, but I think it definitely isn’t helpful that we get so much of our information in context-free bits and pieces from people who frequently are unqualified to comment on something or just don’t know the whole story.

So, books. I just finally caved and bought Beth Moore’s memoir and I think I’ll work on that this weekend. Never mind that I have five other books —three on the Kindle (at least) and two —wait, three— books on my nightstand to finish. Whether or not I actually have ADD/ADHD, I might actually have attention-deficit-reading disorder. And so, I think I’ll abandon all those other excellent books, …and get started on something new, of course.

Signing off before one more of my literary Twitter friends mentions yet another book I can’t live without reading (thank God for my library’s Libby app, or I’d really be in trouble), and maybe —just maybe— I’ll throw in a short review of Beth Moore’s book here once I finish, just to be sure that I actually *do* finish it in less than a couple weeks. Stay tuned.

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Returning to Longform: A Morning Update

November first, and the high is supposed to hit near 70 degrees. The photo was from a little less than a month ago, one of the first mornings of frost on the ground. Leaves haven’t been very colorful in town. Seeing as the trees around here survived the 100 mph winds of a derecho in May and more severe weather than we’ve had for quite a while, I suppose it’s understandable that they’d be tired out after a long, difficult summer —perhaps it’s too much to expend the energy on dressing before death this year. The front yard trees are bare already, the side yard trees are hanging on to about half their leaves, dangling from the branches and dried out, a dull brown to pale yellow-green.

Next week, the clocks will be back to standard time —no more waiting in the dark for the bus or driving home at 5:30 pm with the glaring Western sun in people’s eyes. Now, I suppose, we wait for snow and winter to come. It’s been a strange summer, not only because of the weather patterns, but also because of getting used to a new home, a new town. I should walk more. Maybe with the unseasonable warmth this week, I’ll manage to make that happen.

And it’s the first day of NaNoWriMo —National Novel Writing Month. I’m not writing a novel, but I’m finally getting started in earnest on my next writing project. Apparently they allow us non-novelists to join in now (don’t let me catch you calling a nonfiction book a novel), so I’m taking advantage of the accountability. We’ll see how close to 50,000 words of ”sh*tty first drafts” (as Anne Lamott would say) I can get down in a month. I’m taking a hiatus from Twitter, starting yesterday, so that should help as well to get me writing more in long form and less in short bursts.

At any rate, happy November, and happy day one of NaNoWriMo to those who celebrate, as they say. Here’s to a month of writing and walking and settling in for whatever winter will bring.

Time to go get some coffee and start this day for real.

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The View from the Parsonage: an Update

Well, it’s been quite a week. Finally (!) figured out what all these pieces ruminating around in my brain are taking shape to be, and I am in the process of beginning my new “work-in-process” in earnest.

Moving has gone well. Other than random piles in the basement that I’m working on building into NOT random bins, we’re pretty much settled and setting in to home here. Having more space has made keeping things decluttered so much easier. The true test will be in a couple weeks, when the girls move back home with all their stuff. I’ve done everything I could to urge them to take a storage box and keep some stuff at college, and failed. So we’ll be cramming most of their worldly possessions into our van –and the car in a couple weeks.

Gradually, I’m finding landmarks again. It’s been a while since I experienced this kind of disorientation, when even a simple grocery store trip requires the aid of Google Maps, just to be sure I don’t get turned around. Living in a town of 700 with no grocery store, no hardware –only a gas station, a lumber yard, and a Dollar General– is giving me an itch to read more Wendell Berry. We’re about 30 minutes’ drive from Sioux Falls and just under 20 minutes from the nearest hardware and grocery in Dell Rapids. On the bright side, it forces me to meal plan (or be put at the mercy of the aisles of mostly shelf-stable packaged food at Dollar General) and makes it necessary to pre-plan our trips into Sioux Falls, in order to hit all the places we need in as few trips as possible.

However, a trip to the local library (basically a bookmobile branch of the Sioux Falls library with four walls, open three half-days a week) scored me a couple books of local Colton history: a Bicentennial edition from 1976 and another one from 1989, the town’s centennial year. Colton had a local high school as recently as 1966, and an elementary school that closed some time in the last 20 years. We’re directly across the street from the old school site. The building has been torn down since the 1989 book was published, and it’s now a bus garage for the new consolidated school district. The grocery store closed not due to a lack of business, I’ve been told, but the increasing difficulty of getting suppliers to come out here and deliver stock. I’m not sure what to think of that, other than that it’s depressing that we’ve become so dependent on vehicles and bedroom towns and Dollar General stores that pay minimum wage to people willing to work long hours doing three jobs at once.

And that brings me to the next challenge: helping my kids find summer jobs. There’s always the retirement home in town. Get a CNA (often available at little to no cost through an employer), and you have yourself a guaranteed job just about anywhere in the midwest. But that takes a certain kind of person who I’m not sure my kids are, exactly. Still, it’s a job I’m encouraging them to consider. Then there’s the gas station, which is fun to a point, but my breaking point with that line of work came when I realized that most of my shift was spent selling not gas and bakery and candy bars but cigarettes and lottery tickets. My “rock bottom” –other than the 13 hour shift I worked when a co-worker failed to show up– was selling four packs of Kools to an older woman who walked in dragging her oxygen tank behind her. I felt like an enabler, and it definitely reframed my sense of importance to the community in my work. But… it’s a job. Time will tell what the kids wind up doing this summer. If it’s only getting their licenses and building an Etsy shop that’ll keep going from school, I’ll consider that a win. Still, the girls need money for college, so this year, the pressure will be increased for them to find something (anything), even if it means a regular trip into Sioux Falls to work doing retail or Starbucks or something.

So, there’s the update. Hopefully the depth of my blog posts will increase as I work through getting this next project in my head out onto the pages. If you live in a little town that’s still got a grocery, here’s my encouragement to spend the extra five or ten bucks if you have it to keep it around. You’re probably spending that on gas anyway when you buy your groceries at the Walmart 20 miles down the road, so consider it a wash and do something good for your community.

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Where the Story Ends (and begins)

This morning, I’m procrastinating grading the last ten papers of a bunch I should’ve had done a week (or more) ago. I decided this morning as I headed to the kitchen for my second cup of coffee that what I’m feeling on this last week of teaching at Dordt is sort of like what we call “senioritis.” I know the end is near, and so I’m having a hard time concentrating on what’s in front of me in preference for what lies ahead. Focus is a challenge.

What lies in front of me is a set of 43 seven-to-ten page papers to grade, then exams. My last day of active teaching is tomorrow. Lesson plans are done. I’ve saved the best part of the semester for last –the personal essay. I put this at the end partly to give my students a bit of a break in the middle of a season of final papers and exams and catching up. The personal essay requires no outside research, no in-text citations, no Works Cited page. It is intended to be a fun assignment, I explain. You can get confessional if you choose, but humor is acceptable also. Just write an experience of your life from your perspective. I read them a couple examples, so they know what they’re aiming for: not necessarily relatability, but relevance.

One main thing, I’ll explain tomorrow, is to be aware of your thought process as you’re writing, and to journal that process for us so that we see inside the experience to the meaning of it; to write so that we are changed somehow in our observation of whatever it is you’re writing about. I remind them that a personal essay doesn’t have to be “all about me.” If we’re blessed with sight, we go through life looking out through our two eyes. Our view of the world is outward rather than inward, and we should keep that in mind as we write a personal essay, I explain. It’s important to focus on the world outside yourself but to do it in a way that only you, the writer, can do from your perspective, to remember to explain what’s going on behind those two eyes observing the world. It’s not an easy assignment if it’s done well, but it should be far easier for them now (I hope) with the writing skills they’ve developed over the semester.

The most difficult part of the assignment, for many, is that I also require them to read their work aloud for the class during the last two class periods we’ll meet. Writing is a communal activity, I remind them. We’ve spent much of the semester approaching writing as communication, as conversation, and reading their work aloud is one way to continue that conversation. I want to give them the experience of sending their words out into an audience: their class, and seeing what comes back to them. They’ll exercise vulnerability in this, and hopefully, it’ll encourage them to include more of themselves in their writing, to show up to the page in a way they hadn’t before my class.

So, these are my last weeks of class, for now at least, what seems like the end of a long, unexpected journey from the first day I entered that same exact room as a returning student, nervous and hesitant, attempting to remedy a regret. Because I returned to the college I dropped out of in 1993 to finish and graduate in 2017, then to teach in 2019, I walk through the thin places between memory and dream and fulfillment of dreams almost daily. I’ll miss that experience. Part of me wants to tell that woman sitting down at the desk for fiction writing class, dropping her backpack next to her chair for the first time in 20 years that this is how the story ends. But then, I remember that not knowing what tomorrow brings, whether happy or tragic, is a gift also, and so is the reminder that in this moment, in this unfamiliar liminal space between academia and whatever life brings next, I can be sure of one thing: that my own story has an Author who I can trust, and that every day, I can continue walking through the dark days and the bright ones toward the eucatastrophe that waits at the end, when everything sad and wrong and evil will come untrue, and the end becomes just another new beginning into eternity.

Chapters like this one ending this month are what I keep in my pack as I walk on from here, reminders that I live as the beloved, and I can believe that the Author of the story does all things well.

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Update on “The Dress,” Day 35: Travel, Creative Constraint, and Who Cares, Anyway?

I’d fully intended to update a lot earlier, not nearly 5 weeks into this adventure, but honestly? It’s just not been a big deal. At all. Granted, it’s summer, and most days, I’m home, so the only people that really see me in the dress are my family or the handful of people I run into on my errands to the grocery store or the library. After the first couple days, I quickly realized how silly announcing my intentions with The Dress sounded and felt, so I’ve really only mentioned it once …other than here, that is. After all, one of the main points of the experiment is to fully realize just how little what we wear matters to anyone other than ourselves. People just don’t notice, on the whole. Or, if they do, it’s not enough of a pressing matter to mention or question it. Suddenly, all those mornings staring into the abyss of a closet full of dozens of things that no longer fit or that I don’t feel “in the mood” to wear feel downright silly. Dare I say, a waste of time? One of the biggest things I’m enjoying on this adventure is the removal of one of the first decisions of my day. Sure, I can dress things up with a sweater or jewelry or a scarf or shoes or whatever, but it’s incredibly freeing to just wake up, shower, throw on the dress, and be on with my day.

And travel… the other huge benefit. Some might think of this as an obstacle, traveling during the 100 days. How do you manage all of the places and climates and occasions with only one piece of clothing? Carefully, and with a minimum of luggage. Our family traveled to Washington for a niece’s wedding, for example. This was before the current heatwave they’re experiencing, but it was plenty warm nonetheless. Comfortable compared to 112 degrees (F), but warm. I packed along a sweater for the plane and air-conditioned places, but my short-sleeved lightweight wool jersey dress did just fine. I threw a small bottle of Eucalan no-rinse wool wash in my liquids bag and washed the dress in the sink a couple times over the week we were there. Washed it before bed, squeezed out the water, rolled it in a towel, hung it in the shower, and it was usually dry enough to wear by morning. I did pack along a t-shirt (black, the same lightweight wool jersey material) and denim shorts to wear in case of wardrobe malfunction or emergency (one morning the dress wasn’t quite dry enough in the morning). The shorts came in handy when we did a quick hike one evening. I tied up the dress, 80’s t-shirt style, and it was perfectly workable. The t-shirt doubled as pajamas, or, as I discovered a few days in, a way to vary things up –wear the t-shirt over the dress.

Creative constraint is another reason I was attracted to this whole adventure. Example: how do you dress up a solid plain blue knit t-shirt dress enough to wear to a wedding? Solution: I packed along a wrap skirt that’s sat in my closet far too much. It’s made of recycled saris, a mix of blue and pink with some metallic threads woven in. I wore that over the dress, added in a pair of earrings I bought years ago in Peru that I don’t wear much because they’re a little too dangly and fancy for everyday, and it worked fine. Besides, who’s supposed to be looking at me, anyway, right? The objective was to blend in appropriate. Bonus: the skirt is reversible, so I could wear it again for church if I wanted. So with the skirt, I had two options –though on Sunday I chose to pull out one of the two scarves I packed with the sweater. Blue (the color of my dress) harmonizes with all of my shoes and pretty much everything else in my closet, so I have plenty of layering options. As it was, I packed for the whole week in just one large school-sized backpack, with a little room to spare thanks to packing cubes. And no, nobody said anything about the dress the whole week. Pretty sure they noticed the repeat, but nobody said anything (which may or may not say something about how many of my family reads my blog…). So, today is Day 35, and all is going well. The only thing I’m questioning about the whole experiment is whether black would’ve been a little easier to disguise than blue.

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The Regenerative, Endangered Power of Boredom

woman wearing red sweater lying on snow covered ground

Boredom is a dying art.

One thing I’ve gleaned from this pandemic is the necessity and power of leaving room for boredom. I was reminded of this as I checked the school closing lists on our local television station’s website this morning. Even snow days aren’t sacred any more –about half of the “No School Today” notices posted included a second line: “e-learning day today.” Even our kids are compelled to work from home (beyond the generational curse known as homework, that is). Whatever happened to snow days that meant snow angels and sledding and sleeping in?

We’ve forgotten how to stand in line or sit in a waiting room and just …be. It seems people have forgotten how to take those in-between moments and stare into space. Give us thirty unoccupied seconds, and we reflexively reach for our phones. Even meditation –the ultimate modern example of “productive boredom”– is something we search for on our Headspace app and not in the very real space around ourselves, beyond our phones.

Like many others, I brought my classroom home with me in March when the world shuttered and hunkered down against the Covid-19 virus. My husband’s been working at home since March as well, and likely will be for at least the next few months. It’s been much harder on him than on me, to be honest. He’s the extrovert, I’m the introvert. That said, it’s really been a tough year for all of us, as our daughter came home from college, our son who is in high school a half-hour north of where we live started doing his classes online, and my other daughter who’s done her studying from home for all of her high school experience has needed to adjust to a house full of familial distractions. Now, we get along quite well as families go. We’re not yellers, and conflicts are usually held to a simmer when they happen, but in a relatively small house, finding our own space is still a challenge.

And not only finding is physical space tough, but temporal space is hard to find as well. By late April, I learned to keep work hours, to build a daily routine that allowed me to save those evening hours for non-work endeavors. Even with that though, I’ve done very little writing since March. Part of that’s the post-graduate-school, adjusting-to-work-life lull, but part of it’s just craving the empty space of not being obligated to do anything. Margin. The ability to take an hour to aimlessly research things like local hiking spots or the relative futility of modern weight-loss methods or how to build a capsule wardrobe. Reading a book just because it looks interesting and not because it’s something I should be reading –and the guilty pleasure of not writing something I really don’t care about that much simply because it’s been nearly a year since I’ve had anything published.

I’ve become suspicious of the creeping dread of obligation in defense of deliberately reclaiming some empty space in my day. I’ve learned to find the place in the day where my work day fits, and to not let it go further. Since my second semester teaching, I’ve added a note on page one of my syllabi outlining my “email hours.” I explain to my students that if they email me before 7am or after 11pm or any time on a Sunday, they shouldn’t expect a response right away. It’s a reasonable, common-sense boundary, but even putting that in writing has helped remind me that working from home doesn’t necessarily mean 24/7 availability. I dumped social media apps from my iPhone long ago, but two months ago, I finally deleted my Outlook and Gmail apps from my phone. I highly recommend the practice.

So, what am I getting at? I hope that we’ll all let this pandemic work-from-home revolution (if we want to call it that) become an opportunity to revisit the importance of boredom. I hope that we’ll learn that setting hours and boundaries is an essential practice while working from home, but also quite possible when we all move back into offices away from home.

Maybe we’ll learn to turn off all those blasted notifications on our phones. Maybe we’ll try a digital Sabbath once in a while. Maybe we’ll go on a long walk and leave the phone and earbuds at home. Maybe we’ll unplug the internet router for a day and see if our family can survive the experience (confession: I haven’t yet had the courage to try that yet). If we relearn how to be bored (perhaps starting by learning to stand in line and look around ourselves instead into our phones), perhaps we’ll all come back to work –whether that be home or office– refreshed, regenerated, and reminded of the reasons why we go to work in the first place.

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Redefining Normal

My year’s memories will likely begin at the end of January, with a head-first tumble down the stairs at the college where I work. I landed at the bottom with a mild concussion and a badly broken wrist. A week or so later, I had surgery to put it back together, taught a couple classes online, warming up for what was to come after an extended Spring Break, when my college went to online classes for the rest of the semester, my son began doing school “virtually” from home along with his sister, who has been doing high school online since her freshman year. Sam, who’s taught online since 2009 kept on doing what he’s always done, albeit from home and with many, many new students this fall.

Summer brought my first experience of teaching a planned online course, my first time teaching literature. Fall would’ve been the first “normal” semester (as in, not a first-time, not interrupted by injury or pandemic). Of course, though, nothing’s been normal this year, and for me, that’s kind of normal. Since 2015, I’ve willingly taken on a series of new experiences –first going back to school part-time, then full-time, then graduate school afterward, add in a new part-time job at the local Casey’s for a month or two and a teaching internship. After that, teaching my own classes. It’s been all-new, all the time for the last five years, even without the every-two-or-three yearly cross-country and cross-town moves that have defined the first decade or two of our marriage.

So, I kind of have to laugh when I think of what a “normal” year is. I’m not sure I remember. What is normal, anyway? I suppose you could mean “according to one’s plans,” maybe “as expected.” Maybe “following a routine.” I guess I could use a little of that –normal. We’ll see what the next year brings. I’m looking forward to not having to have a backup plan for students in quarantine, always being prepared to “pivot” to online at a moment’s notice. Looking forward to getting a vaccine and being able to retire the masks (someday). Looking forward to in-person church, a calming of tensions over the whole thing.

Today, I’m taking a bit of a break. The photo is from my view of the sunrise this morning. It’s finally “normal” winter weather today, eleven degrees and clear at dawn. Even the weather’s been odd this winter, though that’s not been anything to complain about. My Christmas present this year was a night away to write and figure out what project is next, writing-wise.

Writing, for me, is normal, and I’ve done precious little of it this year. And solitude, though too common for many this year, has been hard to find in may case, with an entire family working and schooling at home most of the year. It’s been good, yes, but this year’s been as hard on us introverts as it has for you extroverted folks, just in a different way. I got used to coming home to an empty, quiet house after teaching, after church, and now –not so much. So, here’s to a new year, “normal” or not. At least it’s pretty certain it won’t be boring, and absolutely certain that One wiser than I will be guiding all along the way.

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Creative Writing MFA Pros and Cons (part 2)

closeup photo of assorted title books

Pro #2: Dedicated Time to Write

(Second in a series of posts designed for people considering the pros and cons of earning a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, specifically a low-residency MFA. I’m one year out from completing mine, and thought I’d share my experience. The first post in the series can be found here.)


Ask any MFA graduate what they liked best about their program, and they’re likely to mention the dedicated time (and, perhaps, permission) to write. An MFA program should get you in the habit of doing the two things that can make nearly anyone a better writer: focused, habitual reading and regular, disciplined writing. 

Some days are more productive than others, but no work will ever be done if you don’t clock in and show up. A good MFA program will give you something to show up to.

Many of us who write find that we can procrastinate these two essentials right out of our lives far too easily. Reading falls by the wayside, replaced with social media, work obligations, aimless internet browsing, and social media. Writing falls victim to short blasts on Twitter, useless arguments on Facebook, emails, and everything else that comes our way. The quickest way to get a clean house around here is usually to get me started on a writing project. Procrasticleaning, procrastibaking, procrastinapping, call it what you will, but all are very real enemies of getting sh…tuff done on the page. Homework and deadlines and feedback from your mentor and cohort help fight against these tendencies.

A good MFA program will also push you to your limits in terms of writing regularly and writing a lot. You will learn quickly that “The Muse” is a myth. If there is a muse, it’s activated by applying your behind to a chair and writing whatever comes to mind on a regular basis. Those who write when the spirit strikes are usually those who find themselves wondering why they never complete anything. As John Darnielle so aptly put it during a workshop years ago at the Calvin Festival of Faith and Writing (I may be paraphrasing), “writer’s block is a bourgeois luxury.” 

If you’re a working writer, you learn that working people keep regular hours. Some days are more productive than others, but no work will ever be done if you don’t clock in and show up. A good MFA program will give you something to show up to. It will keep you accountable. It will teach you how to become a working writer and how to stare down the intimidation of a blank page. In the case of a low-residency program like the one I graduated from, it will also force you to find a balance between your day job and your writing life. 

Pro# 3: Dedicated Time to Read

I can’t speak for every MFA program, but reading was a huge part of mine. I fell into writing mainly as a side-effect of two things: I’ve been an avid reader since childhood, and I journal to keep myself sane. The readings I was assigned in my MFA program gave me a sense of what’s out there in the world. I read things I’d never have picked up on my own (hello, Eat the Apple). I was exposed to a plethora of different writing styles, genres, and more book recommendations than I could possibly keep up with. During my first year’s summer residency, I started carrying around a small notebook just to keep track of all the book recommendations our mentors brought up in workshops and classes. 

I developed a deeper knowledge of contemporary and classic literature, which books were being talked about, which authors were in vogue (or not, often because of their behavior beyond the page). I learned the importance of reading outside my own experience, of amplifying voices outside my own world by reading and recommending, and now, assigning books by authors whose voices must shout over that of the majority to be heard. That exposure to a variety of other writers broadened my own writing and gave me many models to follow, or at least to experiment with. Even more valuable than the depth and breadth and volume of reading we accomplished, we learned to read as writers. We learned to go from saying, “I love this book” to being able to articulate why we loved it. We were encouraged to look into the writing craft of a book. 

Could a person do this without the structure and expense of an MFA program? Absolutely. For many, this might be the better route to take. Writers have compiled books that essentially form a sort of do-it-yourself MFA. What the books don’t come with, however, is accountability. Without the external motivation of completing something like an academic program, developing those habits will be more difficult —but not impossible. The accountability (and, hopefully, if you picked a good program) encouragement that comes within the community of an MFA program is something that would be difficult to replicate on one’s own. You could possibly start or join a local writers’ group, join an online writers’ forum, find a friend to read your work and keep you motivated, but then, the community is another reason many are attracted to an MFA program. More on that in a day or two. 

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On Anxiety (and Twitter)

Image by Naturelady from Pixabay

Seems to be a common thing these days, being a little more high strung and quick to pounce. Join a particularly contentious election year with a pandemic (and serious divisions as to how to fight it, avoid it, and live with it) and you’re bound to stumble into that, and its cousin —anger.

I quit social media entirely last September after I had a near-miss. A tweet I’d made was misinterpreted by someone who was concerned enough about it to mention it in an email to several people where I am employed, but oddly, wasn’t concerned enough about it to contact me personally. It wasn’t a Karen moment, just an ill-thought-out blurt. Unwise, but not fireable. Still, it made me think very carefully about whether social media was really worth the time I spent on it. Whether it was worth the second thoughts every time I wrote a post. Check my followers list, try to read it through their eyes. Make sure I was being clear, kind, wise, and speaking grace. Being that I was in the throes of my first semester teaching, I decided fairly quickly that it wasn’t worth the worry. I deleted my Facebook and my Twitter.

I found that once I got that knee-jerk sit-at-computer-type-facebook.com reflex out of my system, I didn’t miss it. Much. Okay, I missed a few of the friends —acquaintances and people I knew long ago and/or far away — but I really didn’t miss the format. I didn’t miss the foolish posts, the pot-stirrers, the “copy and paste this…,” the cute kitten posts. I certainly didn’t miss the nagging in my mind about whether the thing I’d posted earlier that day would get the wrong kind of attention.

But I started this new corner of the blogosphere in December, looking for a place of my own, a place where I could write in more than 144 characters or however many Twitter allows these days. Granted, I don’t really have an audience yet, but I’m working on it. And one of those ways, I decided, to build an audience was to return to Twitter. It’d been so long that they really actually did delete my account, so I had to start over. I’ve enjoyed it for the most part, but most of the time I’ve spent there, I’ve had my account set so that only my followers can read my tweets. I reassembled my follow list, found the people whose comments I found either interesting or edifying or thought-provoking. Twitter’s a great resource for writers. It’s a great way to get advice from people I’ll never meet in person, to get a glimpse into their everyday normal life. So, I reactivated. But I still sort of regret it sometimes.

With starting a new account comes the anxiety of posting and replying again. I’ve started a new habit of deleting my old posts at the end of the month, knowing all the while that when they say “the internet is forever,” they mean it.

And that takes me back around to the whole enormous risk anyone takes when they write. Now, this place feels safe to me. My audience of five (on a good day) isn’t terribly commentary. I haven’t started any arguments here, but it feels like a place where there’s more context. I have more space and more time and the ability to edit. But writing at all is always a risk. Where I land at the end of the argument with myself over whether to leave my words out there hanging on the page or in the air or on the forever internet is the fact that no matter how carefully I write, there’s always the possibility someone’s going to misread me. Take offense. Get hurt. It’s happened before. I’d be willing to bet that every seasoned writer has a story of such things happening.

Intent is a tricky thing. I can have all the best intentions and deeply wound someone with my words. A knife is a knife. I can be innocently cutting a slice of bread and catch my finger. My intent —to slice the bread— doesn’t stop the bleeding or the pain. I think words can be the same way. But then, the wound is sometimes a teacher also. Next time, I think as I head for the cabinet for a bandage, I’ll hold my knife differently. Next time, I’ll know better. Maybe it’s the same way with Twitter.

I sure hope so. For now, I can live with the anxiety. Maybe one day I won’t and my account will disappear, but today, the learning experiences are worth the risk.

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

—Maya Angelou

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