On Confidence. No, …On Sweaty-Toothed Madmen.

confidence

It’s a Tori Amos and Editing kind of afternoon, trying to get my final project for a class done, waiting on an email (and waiting, and waiting), so it’s also a Blogging and Procrastinating kind of an afternoon. So there you are.

If my last foray into college was all about embracing the fact that I am not self-sufficient emotionally, this one seems to be all about learning and reconciling my obsession need lust desire for feedback. And even with the feedback, it’s often not enough. I have a critical and complete lack of confidence when it comes to that space between writer and reader. I write something and God shows up and it’s amazing… and then I let it go. And I have absolutely no idea whether it’s fallen flat or whether my words have any breath of truth in them.

“What I need is a sweaty-toothed madman moment!” is how I explained it to a friend earlier this semester, as I was agonizing over yet another project I’d just submitted (and by “just,” I mean “two weeks previously“). Don’t know what I’m talking about? Here you go:

That. That, quite simply, is what I want.

And that, quite simply, is maybe a little too much to ask. But… how to go about figuring out how to keep going, to keep writing, to keep walking around semi-conscious with this unquenchable need for something I probably don’t have a right to want in the first place –that is the dilemma. How do I do this?

Now, my grades are pretty decent. The comments I’ve gotten on my work have been …good. But, something’s missing. What I think I need (beside confidence –which was what I really meant to write about until Keating stepped into the picture again) is to figure out whether that’s supposed to come from within (see also: “what I learned last time round,” that is, that I’m not emotionally self-sufficient, and that’s the way I’m wired, and that might even be okay), or whether I can find a way to ask for what I need.

That. That, quite simply, is what I can’t do.

I’d start questioning my sanity, but I know enough artists/writers/actors that I know this condition is not solely my own. I need to find my tribe, because from what I see, that’s how we survive this characteristic that comes with the job.

I need a mentor and a writing community. As to how to find one or both, I am completely lost. To be continued…